Neither Here Nor There…..

This post will probably be a rambling hot mess because……..well because it’s me and what else do you expect?

Our life in a nutshell?

Pax is 5 going on 30………

He came home the other day with a KU Jayhawk that he had colored at school, he showed it to me and  I JOKINGLY said to him:

“Ew, what is that doing in my house!”

I looked up at him and he just starts crying!! After I reassured him (through clenched teeth) that it was ok, that the Jayhawk was (ahem) “wonderful” and (cough, cough) “so lovely” he explained to me why he was so upset:

“Mom! It’s ok to like them both, as long as they aren’t playing each other, then it’s ok to root for both of them.”

Yup, thanks son. I guess Mom needed a lesson in being humble. Sheesh! He made me feel like the child! Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Me teaching him about liking everybody and accepting them despite their differences? I guess I get a little crazy when it comes to K-State.

And THEN, yesterday, he told me:

“Mom it’s good to make friends and include everyone. You might not really like them, but you have to be nice to them and not hurt their feelings.”

Is this kid in my HEAD? What the hell? I was having a rough day anyway, dealing with some not fun stuff with a project that I volunteer MANY hours for, and thinking some not nice things in my head about other people (or maybe just one person), and he brought me back down to earth and reminded me that I’m not going to like everyone, and it’s better to just be the bigger person and let them be who they are (a few choice words enter my head, but they shall remain unspoken). That kid……he is wise beyond years, and I am grateful that he reminds me to be a better person, even if it’s hard to hear it from your 5 year old.

 

 And then we have Harper:

Oh Harper (sigh)………While my one child is going all Dr.Phil on me, the other one is going all Lil’ Wayne on me dropping the “B” word like it’s her job!

Oh yes, my daughter said “son of a b*&%” after a hard level of Dora the Explorer on her Innotab:

Luckily, she only said it once more that same day (after dropping spaghetti on the floor), and I haven’t heard it since…….

Maybe because I told her she would get arrested if she said bad words again. What!?!! Don’t judge me, I will tell a little white lie if it means my daughter won’t yell out “son of a b*%$” during a biblical lesson in preschool!!!

We attempted family pictures this week, but she was in a “mood” so it didn’t go so well. She didn’t like the cows being so close to us (we were at a farm in case you were like “uh…..what?”) she didn’t like the wind, she was cold, she didn’t like the tall grass…….basically she just hated life that day.

I am hoping that we got at least one decent shot for the Christmas card.  Our photographer is a super sweet and talented girl, so I feel pretty confident she got one shot of the little devil looking like an angel.

And then, when you find yourself wondering how you will EVER survive the teen years with this beast, when she acts like this at 2 (almost 3) years of age…….. she looks at you with those big hazel eyes and says:

“I miss you Mom.”

“Uh, I didn’t go anywhere Harper, I am literally right here in front of you and I have been all day.”

“Yeah but last night you went to a movie and I missed you.”

Aaaaawwwww.

But don’t worry, I am still researching boarding schools, I have a feeling one of us WON’T survive the teen years…………and I’ll put money on it that that person is me.

 

Yeah, it is hard to get mad at that face, that’s probably why she is the way she is. She KNOWS she is cute, and that smile lets her get away with a lot.

I am in physical therapy twice a week now for my knees and it pretty much goes like this:

“you have horrible hips, like seriously you have the hips of a 90 year old.”

“how have you been running this long with hips and glutes like this? your poor knees and feet do all the work because your hips are so weak.”

“you’re not running until we can strengthen those hips and glutes because…..have we said this yet?……….they are so weak, like seriously, bad.”

And then I get electrocuted…..the end.

So, from what I can understand from the medical jargon that is thrown around between the PT’s, my hips and glutes are weak and horrible!! The femoral torsion (pigeon toes) that I have had since I was born, is causing my hips and knees to turn in, and my feet to kick out when I run and not letting my body parts work in the correct way to run effectively (and without injury, hence the knees).

Here is a link to what my condition is, a good range of motion for hips is 40 degrees, abnormal is 70…..mine was 70!!! HORRIBLE!

So I am basically having to re-train my muscles to work together correctly, and it is a pretty slow and tedious task. This is how I have walked my whole life and how I have ran the past 3 years. I also get steroids put into my knees through patches attached to a voltage pack and delivered through electric shock!!! Yeah, doesn’t that sound like a walk in the park?

The first time I got them, my PT said:

“sometimes people feel nothing, some say it feels like tiny needles and other say it feels like fire”

I was like “pshaw, I have had 2 c-sections and had no problems with those, bring it on, I am a beast!!”

So she turns the voltage pack on and I immediately feel the “tiny needle” feeling in both knees, I looked at her and said:

“well I’m not option 1, I can feel tiny needles”

She looks at me and says that the voltage is only set to 1.0 and we have to get up to 4.0 to get all the medicine delivered effectively and the higher the number the more pain I will feel.

Yup I wanted to rip those damn patches off and march right out of the office. Screw running, I hear water aerobics with 70 year women is just as good! Save me a floatie ladies, I’m joining your class!! As long as I don’t have to get electrocuted!!

But I gritted my teeth, blinked back some tears, swallowed some vomit (not kidding, it made me nauseous), and worked through the BURNING F-ING FIRE IN MY KNEES!!!”

I have now had to do that 3 times, and it is getting easier each time. Now I’m like:

“grrrrrr, put those patches on and turn that switch up to 4.0 …….BEAST MODE!!!” (the faster you increase the voltage, the faster you are done with the treatment. The first time it took me 40 minutes to do it, now I can do it in 15 minutes, wha-what!!!!).

In all honesty though, I miss running so much. I miss my running friends, I miss early morning runs and getting home and enjoying my coffee as the sun is coming up. I have been completely un-motivated and totally lazy because I HATE the eliptical and being stuck inside the gym. I am going to start walking outside next week, it’s going to be hard, not on my knees, but on my head. To WALK when I am used to running. But I have to do something, and I miss being outside so I just have to suck it up and go.

In other news, my sister is having her baby on Wednesday!!! I am so, so, so excited! I am going up either late Tuesday night or early Wednesday morning so I can be there for every minute, (hope you weren’t wanting a private delivery Sarah and Derek, cause the paparazzi is coming!!!) I am so ready to meet Miss Collins Cate (CC Bug!!) and hold that little bundle of joy. We are going to have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. My brother got married last month, we have a new baby coming, and we will all be together in Kansas City. I love being with family, they remind me to forget about all the outside crap going on in life, all the stupid people who try to bring you down even though you know you are better than that (and them), and to focus on what is important in life………your family, your friends, and of course your children……….even when they humble you……….or cuss at you.

Ah….. such is life.

 

 

 

 

 

You Live and You Learn….and Then You Get Real

For Paxton’s last 3 birthday parties I have went ALL OUT. This was before Pinterest was invented (or it HAD been invented and I just hadn’t been introduced to the gloriousness of it yet).

Party 1: Halloween party:

 

 

 

Party 2: Gone Fishin’:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Party 3: “Roar Pax is 4!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

I took these parties soooo seriously…..right down to the homemade cupcakes, and decorations. I cleaned the house diligently BEFORE the party then cleaned the house diligently AFTER the party. Then………..I crashed…….for like 3 days after, exhausted from the amount of time it took to plan and pull off said parties.

This year?

I got the meeting room at the Y, purchased some cheap plates, balloons, decorations and (GASP!)…. a store-bought cake from Walmart, and………it was just as fun for Pax, it was just as fun for the kids, and it was a TON less stress for me!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And ya know what? He went to bed with a huge smile on his face and he told me: “Mom, this was a great day!”

It doesn’t matter how much time or money you spend on the party, it’s the family and friends you have there to celebrate with you and the memories you make during the party that mean the most…….oh yeah, and the presents don’t hurt (wink wink).

He had a wonderful 5th birthday party. Afterwards, our family came back to the house for dinner and K-State football!! It was the perfect ending to a great day, I think Pax and I both went to bed with a clean house and a happy heart:

(This picture makes me so happy, THIS is what means the most to me, THIS is what makes my heart so full!!)

On another note:

His actual birthday was the day after Halloween and we celebrated that day as well (like I always say, it’s not a birthDAY it’s a birthWEEK).

Josh and I bought him a swing set for his present and Papa Hall and his Great Uncles came over that day while he was at school to set it up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obviously it was a BIG hit. BONUS, no more trips to the park to swing for an hour, they can go right in our backyard! It’s for the kids…………..right? Riiiiiight!!!

ONE WHOLE HAND….and a birth story

It was exactly 5 years ago to THE MINUTE that I started having contractions. I tried SO HARD to have a Halloween baby, but wouldn’t ya know, that little man had a mind of his own and would not come on my terms.

So midnight on the dot, on November 1st, my labor started. I stared at my belly like:

“you gotta be kidding me kid!”

I bounced on a exercise ball, timed the contractions, watched the live broadcast of Ghost Hunters, texted my friend Leslie, and realized that today was the day that I would meet my son.

Josh slept through it all………….duh.

I woke him up at 4 a.m. because the contractions were 5 minutes apart and told him we might want to call the hospital. He said:

“Do I have time to shower?”

Say wha-at?!?!?!?

He showered….(no joke)…..and then we drove to the hospital.

I remember that it was really cold out, the windows were frosted over, and the road was EMPTY.

We got to the hospital, got hooked up to all the machines, got checked, and was confirmed that I was indeed in labor.

WOO HOO!!

We waited until later in the morning to call our families, but once we did, the hospital was packed with family and friends.

At 11 they broke my water.

Around noon I decided to get an epidural, they got all the family out of the room except for Josh.

At that time, Paxton’s heart rate started dropping drastically. I had just received my epidural, and none of the family had been allowed back into my room. They gave me oxygen, had me turn on my side….anything to try to get his heart rate to stop dropping. They decided to check me to see if I had progressed faster than usual and maybe was ready to push.

The Doctor on call came in to check me, and started yelling “cord, we have a cord” and then chaos ensued. Apparently I had a prolapsed cord and every time I had a contraction, the chord was pushing out and cutting off all oxygen to Paxton. Nurses started running in, people were yelling, they tossed scrubs to Josh and told us:

“We have to do a c-section immediately, we don’t have a lot of time, he has to get out NOW!”

I had to get on my hands and knees in the bed, as they wheeled me to the O.R. with the Doctor holding the cord off of Paxton’s head.

I remember looking at Josh and seeing the panicked look on his face, and then looking at the nurses and doctor and seeing THEIR panic and thinking:

“This isn’t how it’s supposed to happen, this wasn’t in my plan!!”

One of the nurses must have seen the fear in my eyes, everyone else was so focused on the baby and what they needed to do, and she said:

“we’re going to take care of you, you’re both going to be ok”

We got into the O.R. and they got me prepped for the c-section. Paxton’s heart rate was dangerously low and wouldn’t come back up, so they made Josh leave the room and put me completely under to get him out as fast as they could.

I was wheeled into the O.R. at 1:07 p.m. and Paxton was born at 1:15 p.m……they were NOT messing around.

Our family still thought I was just getting an epidural!! They had no idea what was happening!!

Josh walked out into the waiting room with scrubs on and said:

“It’s a boy!”

They were so stunned and confused. He had to explain what had happened, and then of course they were all crying because they had no idea how bad it had gotten and how close we had come to losing Pax.

I missed all those first moments of his life……I didn’t hear his first cry, I wasn’t the first one to hold him, NOTHING happened the way I thought it would.

I woke up in the recovery room, with a clouded mind and lots of pain, and was told:

“congratulations, you have a healthy baby boy.”

And then I remembered…..

“oh yeah. I had a baby.”

We are so lucky that nothing bad happened from that dangerous delivery. YES I wish it would have been a normal birth, YES I hate that Josh missed the birth of his first child because they wouldn’t allow him in the room,  YES it hurts me that I never heard his first cry. However, none of that matters when I realized how close we came to losing him, how lucky we were that he didn’t have brain damage from the lack of oxygen, how lucky we were that NOTHING was wrong with either of us, because there for a while, it didn’t look good.

And now…..

He is 5, and he is an amazing little boy that makes me smile on a daily basis…….

He protects his little sister, he thinks he is a super hero, he wants to play K-State football, he would do anything to impress his Dad and make his Mommy proud, he would stand up for another child even if that meant looking dumb in front of his friends, he has a gentle soul and is sensitive but tough all at the same time.

I am so proud of him, I can’t believe it has been 5 years. It is going way too fast for me, but I look forward to the many years ahead and how much that little boy still has to teach me about being a better person and a better mother, because he deserves that.

I love you Paxton.